How to back out of a race with dignity and grace

I received this email earlier today in reference to the Jiminy Peak Race this weekend. All racers who read this take note: Let this be the archetypal form of the back-out letter to your teammates.

Straightforward and to the point? Check.

Humorous delivery? Check.

Co-opting of current events to enhance comedic effect? Check.

Repeated self-deprecation? Check

Attempted effort to mollify spurned teammates with promise of food and drink? Check.

From: Joshua Gunn

Subject: Not racing tomorrow

You've been dreaming all week of racing with me. You have a poster of me on your wall. You want to wear my socks and own my signed, limited edition saddle that's custom crafted for the wattage cottage.

Nothing lights a fire like a dream deferred, gentlemen. To that end, I must announce that I will not be racing this weekend. Under advice from the team doctor, Dr. Rosencrantz, MFA, I can't race with this lingering cough -- the direct offshoot of the H4V2 miniature horse virus that I contracted from the miniature horse that was malingering near the feed zone at Frog Pond.

In the words of Dr. Rosencrantz, "You don't want to mess with the miniature horse virus!"

Also, I should reveal that Jill is out of town this weekend, so if anyone wants to come over and drink some beers and poach some turkey burgers on Saturday night, we could hang. It's just an idea. I have a big empty house, and I don't feel like watching re-runs of "Alf" alone.

I'm not contagious anymore. Just slow.

Josh